| BASTARD. |
[May. 13th, 2006|11:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Before I forget-Slipknot | ] |
you cut me from the inside out
slaughtered my soul,
tore chunks from my sanity,
scratched away my smiles..
ripped apart my confidence,
filled my eyes with acid rain..
and after everything you tore out of me,
you replaced it with self hate.
Placed it neatly inside of my small body,
and sewed me back up,
with poisonous,black, thread.
You left me in a state of panic,
a permanent state of anxiety..
an endless tormented life,
filled with memories of you,
flashing before my burning eyes.
Hands of constant shaking,
a mind never able to concentrate,
on anything,
but you.
That day. That Night.
It's all the same to me.
The red bricks scratching my back,
the tight grasp of your paws around my wrist,
dirty words, dirty paws, all over me
filthy lips slobber on my neck, on my body
rain now pouring.. falling down off my cheeks.
Thinking to myself, "am I going to die?"
Time has passed since the red brick road..
and now I find myself thinking,
"why didn't you finish me off"
I'm already dead.. but my heart still beats.
Physically you didn't kill me..
but mentally.. you cut me up into a million pieces.
Fucking bastard.
one day you'll get what you deserve.
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| Perfection...xXx |
[May. 13th, 2006|11:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Smashed into pieces-Silverstein | ] |
I can’t remember the last time I woke up with the sun shining in my heart or a smile on my face. Today would be like every other meaningless day of my life; dragging my limp body from underneath the comfort of the warm sheets. I walk into the bathroom, tightly closing my eyes to prevent the bright rays from getting in. I stare in the mirror, looking at the reflection staring back at me, realizing that I’m not the same person anymore. I stand there picking apart each and every little part of my body; wishing my teeth were whiter, for different boobs, my hair longer and the biggest wish of all: to be thinner. This has been my unrealistic dreams for years, to be perfect. What is perfect anyways? Everyone today is so brainwashed by the media it’s hard for anyone to know what to think. Not one soul on this earth thinks for them selves anymore; we are all falling apart.
After an hour of covering my face with make up, picking apart my body and fighting with my head, I decide to go upstairs and make breakfast. I feel guilty for being hungry “don’t eat that bread, fat ass” I hear in my mind. I crack the eggs, and toast the bread. 15 minutes later I’m chugging back water, this makes the food easier to puke back up. Back downstairs I go, I dig threw my make-up bag looking for something somewhat long to shove down my throat. I come across my eyeliner, “this’ll do.” I shut the bathroom door and turn on the water to block out the sounds of my gagging. I get down on my knees, tie back my hair and take a deep breath. Instantly, I have a great sense of relief but this only last for a few minutes. Until I realize what I’ve done, yet again; I begin to cry, and think about the life I’m leading. I soon become angry with myself, “why are you like this?! You’re so stupid!” , the fight with myself begins to heat up. I grab my razor from the shower and slowly drag it down my skin. I watch as the blood drips from my wrist, to my elbow and finally hear it splatter on the floor. My nose starts burning, and my eyes are watering like crazy; all I can smell is vomit and blood.
I wash my face, and wipe down the floor. Stare at myself in the mirror and a slight smile wipes across my face. I realize in this moment that my life is going no where and that I am truly sick. I also realize that no matter what I will never be truly happy with myself, or my life. This is the way I live my life, each and every day and I don’t see any chance of it changing any time soon. I ask you, what is “perfection”? if you know the answer to this question, please let me know so I can stop this never ending, torture to try and achieve it.
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| The Non Existent Point |
[May. 13th, 2006|11:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | lonely | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Fallen-Sarah Mclaughlin | ] |
Hello world, so dark and run down
changing and turning without a sound.
Lost in the crowd, just a number I am
without a soul who gives a damn
It's hard to get up, when you can't even breath
it's hard to get close, when you're just going to leave
Its hard to fly high, when you can't even run-
I once had the world, now i'm left with no one.
It's hard to go on when you don't want to fight,
it's hard to wake up, when you don't have a life.
I breathe air in my lungs, so i'm living it's true
But my life isn't mine, I'm living through you.
This isn't what I wanted,
I had dreams once upon a time
But everything falls to pieces,
and not everything is fine.
My past dwells in my heart,
and now my present too.
My future is looking bleak;
and I don't know what to do.
My heart is in my palm,
crushed and torn apart
I've lost myself amongst the rain
it's hidden in the dark.
It's hard to even try, when you're pushing just to crawl,
It's hard to know where to start, when you've lost it all.
It's hard to go on living, each and every day
when every morsel of you is being molded just like clay.
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| Secret Obsession*** |
[May. 13th, 2006|11:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | restless | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Kittie-Charlotte | ] |
* Secret Obsession *
I’m walking aimlessly around the house, searching for something, someone, the desire hidden in my heart. I guess I always know where the heat in my heart, in my loins and in my mind is coming from. And I’m sure you know yourself that I’m always thinking of you. Wishing I could run my fingers through your long dark hair and stare deep into your eyes. Longing to hold you in my arms and whisper sweet nothings in your ears… wanting, wishing and hoping for you.
I collapse into the warm embrace of my fluffy white sheets and begin to slowly run my fingers up and down my body; caressing each naked breast. My lips part and a small moan escapes; I lick my lips and begin to dream…
“I walk into a dark, candle lit room, smelling of vanilla and cinnamon. Not knowing what I’ll find and to my surprise I see you, the “secret obsession” of my heart. You smile at me and my stomach flutters with excitement. “I’ve waited for this moment for what seems like forever…” I said. You stare at me for a moment; “come here, you” you declare with force in your voice. My heart skips a beat and I slowly make my way to your arms. I pull you close and kiss you softly; I can tell you want me just as much as I want you. Our kisses soon filling with passion, longing and lust; I throw you against the wall and tear open your shirt. I run my warm tongue down your neck and move slowly around your nipples, gently at first but then with my force I nibble and thrust your body towards mine. I lift your leg so it rest on my hip and slide my hand down your long beautiful leg; soon finding my way to your inner thighs. “Don’t stop!” you whimper. I smile at the thought of you longing for my touch. I begin to make slow soft circles around your clit, feeling your wetness, taking in your aroma, beginning to moan myself. Suddenly you grab my hand and look me in the eyes, “kiss me.” You say, so I grab your face and you stop me. “No… not there” , your boldness gets me hot and I instantaneously throw your beautiful naked body onto the fluffy white sheets of my bed. I quickly wrap your legs around my neck and set in motion a slow lick up and down your clit. ‘Oh goddd…” , your moans now growing stronger and louder. Now faster and harder, up and down, licking every piece of your beautiful wet skin, you begin thrusting yourself onto me, grabbing my head, scratching my back, “Ohhhh”… Your back began to arch, and your legs were trembling. Your breaths now fast and deep, you were about to cum. I raise my body onto yours and slip my fingers into you, slowly pumping, and then faster. In and out and in and out. You grab me close, and begin to scream. Your body soon goes limp and I look at you and grin, “You’re beautiful”.”
Taking in a sharp breath I jolted myself out of a deep sleep. Resting my elbows, breathlessly my head falls backwards onto my pillow; both my sheets and my body are soaking wet with sweat. There I go dreaming of you again, upping my laundry load. Now realizing it was all just a dream, a slight sadness overcomes me. A girl I hardly know who has taken over my mind, body and soul. I think to myself, Could this be love?
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| I don't even know. |
[Feb. 13th, 2006|10:55 pm] |
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and everything changes.. and everything falls apart.. |
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